Babysitter is a poem by Michael Rosen, from his book "The Hypnotiser."
Disclaimer: This is a transcript of the video of Michael performing the poem, not the transcript from the book itself.
Sometimes, my Mum and Dad used to go out. This meant that my brother had to babysit me. He hated it, because I just wouldn't go to bed when he told me to. He was 4 years older than me. Well actually, he still is. He'd shout, he'd rant and rave. Will you go to bed! But I never went, until I heard the front door open, with Mum and Dad coming back, and then I'd be upstairs, into bed, in a flash.
Anyway, after a few months of this, my Mum and Dad tried something new. Just before they went out they said, "Right Mick, you go to bed before we go out, and, you, stay there". "Okay," I said, "Okay. Yeah, okay", and off I went to bed. I laid there, waiting to here the front door close, SLAM! And straight away I was out the bed, down the stairs, into my brother's room. There he is, sitting there, reading. First of all he tries "I'm not taking any notice of Michael". He goes on reading. I thing "I'll make him notice". I put my face behind the book, with my eye peeping round the edge of the book. Every time he gets to the end of a line, his eye looks into my eye. He tries to pretend I'm not there, it's no good, he can't. My eye is peeping away like mad 'round the edge of the book. He starts to laugh "Look, heh heh, Look," he says "This isn't fair! You promised you'd stay in bed, I'll tell 'em, I'll tell 'em, I will!".
So now, I go and stand by the door, and I fiddle. I make little rattly noises with the handle, and the key. Fiddle diddle, click. Riddle diddle, click click. He tries to pretend I'm not there, it's not good, he cant. I'm rattling away like mad with the handle and the key. He starts to laugh, "Ha ha, alright" he says "Alright thats it."
He sounds like he's gonna really do for me, so now he tries "I'm going to be so boring, Michael will get so fed up he'll go back to bed". He starts up a chant, "Go to bed go to bed go to bed go to bed go to bed go to bed go to bed," he doesn't stop "Go to bed go to bed go to bed go to bed," he goes on for ages, "Go to bed go to bed go to bed". I tried to talk to him, "Hey, what do you want for your birthday Brian?" "Go to bed go to bed go to bed" "D'you want a sweet?" "Go to bed go to bed go to bed" "Hey, you've got a pimple on the end of your nose y'know" "Go to bed go to bed go to bed".
And I'm still fiddling with the door, I lock it, click, I unlock it, click, I lock it, click, I try to unlock it, click, ungh, click, ungh, ungh. "Go to bed go to bed g-" "Uh, Brian, umm, I cant unlock heh heh, huh the door." "Go to bed go to bed" "Brian, umm, I- the keys stuck". He stops. Suddenly he looks pleased. And he settles down with his book, and waits. Meanwhile, I've got big bother. They're gonna come back, and find me here, and I've got out of bed, and I've come in his room, and I've locked the door and it's really late and it's all my fault. I try and I try, and I get that key to work, fiddle riddle diddle diddle fiddle riddle diddle diddle, for 3 hours I'm at it and all the time my brother is "Not taking any notice of Michael".
The front door opens. "Hello!" my mum calls out. She gets to my brother's door, "Did Michael stay in bed alright?". She's trying to turn the handle. "Let us in Brian" says my Dad, cheerily. No answer from us inside. My brother is waiting for me to say something, I'm hoping he'll say something, we're looking at each other. "Come on Brian" says my Dad, getting a bit cross. Oh no! The moment I dread when Dad goes from being cheery, to absolutely furious. In a weedy little voice I say, "I locked the door". That really winds them up, there's my Mum "Is that you Michael? You're still up? You promised you'd stay in bed! It isn't fair on Brian!" and there's my Dad and he's roaring "WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT, THE LITTLE PIG! And the door's jammed, I'll have to break it down. God when I get inside, oh, he's gonna be in for big trouble!" and me I'm standing there all shaky and sorry and shuddery. But my brother, whats he doing, he's smiling all over his big face. Puts on big smile and shakes head around. Yeah, he took the key out, passed it under the door and they opened it, and I dashed out of to bed faster than an electronic rabbit.
Use in YTPs Edit
- Fiddle diddle is used commonly in many Rosen YTPs. It is usually used in a situation that is not safe for work.
- Michael's dad shouting is also used in many YTPs.
- "In a weedy little voice" is often used as the source for 'weed' in drug-themed YTPs.